1. If you talk to much and do not pay attention, you might not get the information needed.
2.You might not get good grades.
3.You could get into trouble.
Paragraph #1
If you talk to much you could ruin your life, just think how it could happen. If you could not pay attention, you maybe could miss some valuable information that you might get a bad grade on a test. (You need more examples to show how talking too much ruins someone's life. You also need to end the introduction by clearly stating the problem you will be discussing.)
Paragraph #2
You wouldn't get the good grades that you want because if you don't pay attention while talking, you could miss a direction and goof up. Good topic sentence, but now you have to develop it with examples and, perhaps, a personal experience.)
Paragraph #3
You could get into trouble because teachers hate it when you talk. They think that you aren't listening to what they say. (Good start to this paragraph. Perhaps this a paragraph that could use some dialogue. You also might want to explain why teachers hate it when students talk while they are teaching. It isn't because they are egomaniacs and just love to talk; they really want students to understand what they are teaching and don't want to continually repeat everything, taking up more of the students' time and boring them to death.)
I should think before I talk. (Here you are using the first person which you should have used throughout your essay. or you should use third person, but definitely NOT SECOND PERSON - "you")
Ideas 2 minimal number of ideas to support your problem which is not clearly stated in the first paragraph Organization - 2 not finished, no conclusion, good topic sentences for your paragraphs, but little development of them Word Choice 4 Do not use "you." Voice - 3 Where are figures of speech, dialogue ? You did use specific verbs, but to create a strong voice, you needed to use stronger descriptions. Fluency 3 - Most of your sentences are about the same length and there is little variety in the way you began your sentences. Conventions 4 Be careful that you do not change the point of view from first to second to third. Stay in either first or third. Total = 18 points = B-
School Play Test
Problems Of Talking:
1. If you talk to much and do not pay attention, you might not get the information needed.
2.You might not get good grades.
3.You could get into trouble.
Paragraph #1
If you talk to much you could ruin your life, just think how it could happen. If you could not pay attention, you maybe could miss some valuable information that you might get a bad grade on a test. (You need more examples to show how talking too much ruins someone's life. You also need to end the introduction by clearly stating the problem you will be discussing.)
Paragraph #2
You wouldn't get the good grades that you want because if you don't pay attention while talking, you could miss a direction and goof up. Good topic sentence, but now you have to develop it with examples and, perhaps, a personal experience.)
Paragraph #3
You could get into trouble because teachers hate it when you talk. They think that you aren't listening to what they say. (Good start to this paragraph. Perhaps this a paragraph that could use some dialogue. You also might want to explain why teachers hate it when students talk while they are teaching. It isn't because they are egomaniacs and just love to talk; they really want students to understand what they are teaching and don't want to continually repeat everything, taking up more of the students' time and boring them to death.)
I should think before I talk. (Here you are using the first person which you should have used throughout your essay. or you should use third person, but definitely NOT SECOND PERSON - "you")
Ideas 2 minimal number of ideas to support your problem which is not clearly stated in the first paragraph
Organization - 2 not finished, no conclusion, good topic sentences for your paragraphs, but little development of them
Word Choice 4 Do not use "you."
Voice - 3 Where are figures of speech, dialogue ? You did use specific verbs, but to create a strong voice, you needed to use stronger descriptions.
Fluency 3 - Most of your sentences are about the same length and there is little variety in the way you began your sentences.
Conventions 4 Be careful that you do not change the point of view from first to second to third. Stay in either first or third.
Total = 18 points = B-